Beyond the wedding dinner

Today not many people give another thought about the invitation to a wedding dinner other than the eating.But if we pause a little and think about the significance there is much more to just the eating.It starts with the invitation. To the Chinese ,if someone respects you by inviting you then you should reciprocate by accepting the invitation.To refuse is impolite and if you are a close relative its even worse because you do not know the value of the word 'Family' and that makes you quite uncultured. The wedding dinner is the time for relatives especially and good friends to gather and meet and share the joy of the newly weds.You do not meet your relatives and friends very often so when you have occasions like this they should not be passed.Relatives and friends will take the trouble to come from near and far to attend. In between the dinner there will be the tea ceremony a very significant tradition amongst the Chinese.The couple will serve tea to all the relatives.The tea serving has two reasons.One is to let the relatives know that they are now a couple and the family consists of the bride and the groom's family.The second is that due respect is given to the family.To the Chinese family is important and this is one of the ways to preserve the Chinese family values.People who do not know this will shy away from weddings of close relatives for the simple reason that they do not value family ties or they are so ignorant that they cannot see beyond the food. Today most invitations are well in advance of the event so there is no excuse that you have no time.The gathering of relatives and friends is also a time when all little and petty grudges are set aside and everyone makes an effort to restore harmony and good will.Its just like our Chinese New Year tradition where we make calls on our elders and pay them due respect. Chinese tradition and culture dates back thousands of years and if you are Chinese enough you will appreciate why these traditions are still practised today.One should make an effort to study Chinese history for it is through this that you can be really Chinese and understand why certain things are done by the Chinese .this is especially so in the case of Chinese attitude towards Family and what it takes to be a family member !Forsake this and you forsake yourself !

My elder sister

On Monday 15th.Oct I received news from my nephew that my elder sister's condition has worsened .She was admitted on the Saturday before and I was just holding my breath that I can see her.She went through Sat and Sun though struggling and strangely enough on Sunday nite I had a dream saying that she wanted to be kept in a Chinese temple where our grand parents plaques are kept.On Monday I was deliberating as to whether I should tell my nephew about this or not. At around 12 noon something told me I should go to Ipoh to see her as if not I may not see her again.So without telling anyone I just hopped into my car and drove to Ipoh and was at the hospital by around 230 and I had already decided I should go back to KL latest by 430 as after that I may have to drive in the night and my night driving is not that good. While there I saw her struggling for breath with a lot of difficulty and all the signs according to the doctor were not good.I then called my two nephews and Bro in law to ask them if they had their plans in order in case anything happens>it was tough but we had to be realistic as it was quite obvious that she would not last very long.Having settled that I looked at my sister again and being unsure of how long she would last I told them I would go to the temple and make some enquiries .I had achieved my objective of seeing my sister and something told me this was the last time.True enough after I got all the info from the staff there I left for KL and had hardly left Ipoh when my nephew called and said that my sister passed away. There was no point in me turning back as probably there would be a lot of things to do in the hospital and there was nothing I could do so I decided to come back to Kl and plan what to do with the family. It is sad that I have lost a sister and as I was driving on the two hour journey home I thought of what she had been to me.I remember so many things about her>In her younger days she would always come home from school and showed Dad her report card which would be full of red marks and each time she would be crying though dad never scolded her.Finally she decided she wanted to stop school and at a young age she started work as a telephone operator.I think she was 16 or 17 when she started work and never had any rest till she had a stroke about 8 years ago. She is my sister and I have only good memories about her .I remember when I was in the University and back for the holidays she would always give me pocket money although she herself did not have much.When I was in Teluk Intan she would be the one who called me regularly and gave me free phone calls.when she ran her several restaurants every time I visited her she would insist on giving me something to eat or drink. Sure she is not perfect but perfect or not she was my sister and she had been good to me in her own way.I have only good thoughts about her.Its sad that during the 8 years she was ill some of the siblings who were around never bothered to see her.I cant understand how amongst siblings you can be so cold hearted as to hold a grudge for such a long time .People are human and do made mistakes and even amongst friends you can forgive and forget and what about your own siblings ? One should never be influenced by the in laws when it comes to dealing with your own kin.If you allow that to happen then you have no backbone and very little character.I have great respect for my wife and never interfere in her relationship with her relatives.I let her decide and just abide by her decisions and that is why I probably get along well with my in laws. Its sad that we have amongst us people who are so petty and superficial and we are worse because we allow them to influence our relationship with our own flesh and blood.Can you be so heartless that when your own sister is so sick you allow your other half to influence you negatively that you never come and see her.I would always bring my wife along just as she would bring me along to visit our sick relatives.What is worse is by the adult behaviour the effects carries on to the children.I have always been close to my nephews and nieces from my wife's side because in the first place their parents have taught them the meaning of family and what are family obligations and responsibilities.My own nephews and nieces have yet to learn this and its no fault of theirs .I put the blame on the parents for failing to guide them. Sister has been through a lot and worse still she had to be bed ridden for so long .She was really looked after by my bro-in-law and I told him " Bro,you have done what not every man can do " looking after my sister and as her brother I am grateful to him ,just like the two boys who have really looked after the mother.At least my sister was fortunate to have such a wonderful family and I really appreciate them .Strange but my nephew Jeff would always make sure that I am the first to know about their family affairs.Guess he can judge from deeds and not words. Now that she is gone there will definitely be crocodile tears. To me its very simple "Do what you need to do for somebody when he is alive.Dont wait till he is gone because then it will not matter anymore." In all I dare say that I have done no wrong to my sister,being with her from young and when she was in difficulty.I understood her well and I know she really loved me as her younger brother>Till today I have no ill feelings towards her and will only remember her as my elder sister and I cant be bothered by what others say about her especially those who never bothered about her when she was alive.And to those so called relatives who still hold a grudge against her, take a good look at yourself and ask what sort of a character you are if you cannot forgive someone who is related to you. I am sad to lose a sister but at the same time happy that she is free from all the worldly sufferings which she has endured for so long and knowing that she has gone to a better place makes the pain a little bit more bearable. RIP my dear sister !

Teluk Intan

Last week we made a trip to attend one of my student's son's wedding.It was something special to be able to attend the wedding of a son of my student and I could not help but go back to my early days as a teacher in this little town which will forever be special to me.It was here that I met my wife ,married and raised our children.We had happy times here and the fellowship which started there still remains. My wife still has many of her friends and she would always make it a point to visit them or keep in touch with them and they always feel warm towards her.Sad to say many of my friends have moved out or passed away but we did visit a very good friend Dr.Roger Tan who gave my wife and Aaron free medical treatment when we visited him. Though small in size Teluk Intan is big ,bigger than any other place in terms of the sincerity of the people ,the friendship ties and the special little places that we used to go to. The restaurant where the wedding dinner " Pau Loong " is run by a person who used to sell fried noodles by the roadside.I remember his little stall was walking distance from where mum used to stay and I would walk there to ta pau koay teow for her at only 30 cents.From his little koay teow stall he started a shop in glutton square selling bak kut teh with steamed fish head as a side dish.From thence on it was success all the way and today he has three restaurants under his name in Teluk Intan a real rags to riches story.I would love to sit down with him and find out how he made it. What strikes me is that in small towns people are really sincere and and warm hearted ,something which you seldom find in big towns.They take you for what you are and friendship is not based on social status or what they can get out of you but on social bonds.We were just teachers then but we had friends from all classes of life.Even the late Raja Muda was my friend and he would fondly call me Cikgu. Being a teacher and still one at heart there is so much satisfaction to see your students succeed in life.We teachers those days taught our students not only the subject matter but in between also made it a point to EDUCATE them and it was not for the sake of money but as part of our social responsibility.Many people fail to realise that bringing up a child is not an easy task.Amongst other things you have to study the character of your child and build on his strengths and work on his weaknesses. Two of my students from the same family are Doctors and talking to them made me realise that they were not only professionals but fine upright young men.In a small way, knowing that as teachers we have contributed a little to this makes us feel really good .This is something which all the money in the world cannot buy. Yes Teluk Intan gives me many special memories.I started my adult life here ,found my wife here and raised my children here and on top of that I was given the opportunity to educate thousands of students whom I believe still have a little bit of respect and affection for me because they still call me "SIR".