Can we let go ? ( Part 2)

Living with your grown up kids is no longer the same as when they were your kids fully dependent on you and maybe thinking at that time that their parents were the greatest.Children when they were young looked up to their parents and were very obedient .I remember we had the house rule that all the girls must be back not later than midnight and they dutifully complied without any reservation and at times when they needed to stay out a little bit longer they asked and we usually complied.
We have tried to plant onto our children certain values and principles which we hope they would take with them throughout their lives.Happily we see that today all of them have held fast to these values and principles.They have grown up to be independent,dependable adults and more importantly steadfast and caring .It is so disappointing to see some young people who have no consideration for others and are so self centered that they cannot look beyond their own selfish needs.I remember in the early days no family could eat their meals if the head of the house was not back.Imagine if he were to come home late every night and keep the whole family waiting ? A real classic case of inconsideration ! Today fortunately families are more practical ,if the head comes back late he has to eat on his own as the others would probably have eaten as children cannot go hungry or eat late as they too have their own programs like homework ,tuition etc.
Though the children have grown up we see there is still a need for parents much as they would try to deny this.Parents are convenient.whom else can they trust with their children other than their own parents ? Who else cant they count on if they need to have a night out socializing with their friends?If the parents are able to cook so much the better because they know they can always come home to a hot meal,well prepared and to their taste.Parents have no qualms at all doing these things for the children because a parent's love for the children is boundless ,unselfish,and given without any reservation and expecting nothing in return.Parents are always unselfish when it comes to their children even though they are grown up and independent.We have read and head of parents using their bodies to shield their children in dangerous situations.Parents are prepared to even give up their lives for their children.There has never been any doubt on this.
Its sad that sometimes children who claim to be grown up forget some basic values which they learned from young. Simple things called GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION are often sadly forgotten.True,parents expect nothing in return, but surely a little bit of appreciation and gratitude for what they have done is not asking for too much?These things need not be in huge materialistic forms.Parents do not need expensive gifts as tokens of appreciation.A little word here and there is all it takes.Yet people find it so difficult to say such things and to make matters worse they are so downright inconsiderate to people who should mean so much to them.One cannot help but conclude that at times there are people with no character or standards.
Fact of the matter is that parents will always love and care for their children no matter what and children should never forget that parents as they grow older become more sensitive and insecure..and deserve to be treated with tender care too.

Can we let go?

We brought up 4 girls and are fortunate enough to see them grow up,get the education they should have and become spouses and mothers themselves.All of them have found their niches in life and as parents it gives us a strong sense of satisfaction and pride to see this.We believe we have done our part bringing them up in the way we thought best.However difficult we made sure that all of them got a proper education.We have always told them that the best and only legacy we could give them is education because with that they can go forth and face the world with the required skills, knowledge and values.
Today we have become grandparents and have to take a different role altogether.We are unable to ignore the fact that the children need our help to look after their kids and this is a task which mum especially relishes.In the process however sometimes there are little conflicts like style of bringing up the grandchildren and differences in opinions.
We are of course not able to bring up today's kids the way we brought up ours but there is basically not much difference in bringing up children now and then.They need the proper food and the proper environment to grow up.As parents we are expected to help manage the home for the children yet we cannot have things they way we want it.We are not only living with our children but also their spouses.We have to realize that we no longer call the shots but parents being what they are we cannot help but make a comment here and there every now and then .When that happens we quickly remind ourselves that our children are not what they were before and we cannot and should not treat them like before.This at time is bothersome and we cannot help but think of going back to our own home and live the rest of our lives there,for better or for worse.But its easier said than done.We still worry about if the children can cope with their careers and home and what happens if we are not around.With mum around life is so much more convenient ,the children can concentrate on their jobs without worrying about the home.They can come home after a hard day's work knowing that there is warm food waiting for them,they can take their breaks knowing that we are around to look after the home in their absence.
Yes,parents will be parents and kids will be kids>there is no way of letting go as like it or not parents will have a role to play in their children's lives .That being the case the challenge is how to be parents to grown up children who have minds of their own and sometimes not like being told what to do."Be seen and not heard,give opinions when you are asked",otherwise just watch and see what happens.We have decided that in no way would we be a nuisance to the children.Let them lead their lives,we are always in the background -to be there when needed and to never forget that whilst we cannot let go ,to remember that our role and status today is not the same as when our children were growing up.

Then and now

We were driving to Bahau in NS last week.To make the long drive a bit more interesting the topic turned to children today as compared with us and we came to realize that today's generation is spoilt, pampered by parents,grandparents and relatives and cannot help but reminisce on our early days.
Today's kids travel to school in air con cars,not even buses.We walked and cycled to school the moment we started school at the age of 7.Today the kids start school or nursery at the age of 3 or 4 and the kiasu parents would want to subject them to all kinds of exposure.We went to school period, came home and spent our time outdoors.We had no toys ,whatever we played with were hand made and out of whatever raw materials we could find,bamboo,stones,wood or whatever .
We never knew what was the TV , handphone,I phone ,I pad,DVD and computer games .We had to think and use our wits to come up with the means to keep us occupied.it was school and home.We never went out at night,as it was our house rule that everyone must be in the house by 6pm or you dont get dinner.We had just two meals a day,lunch and dinner and there was nothing in between.Rice was the food that we ate in large quantities,at least two plates and it always went with curry and sambal.Eating in restaurants was unheard off.But we enjoyed our home cooked meals together with the rest of the family members,parents, brothers and sisters.Families were made up of big numbers those days.There are six of us and definitely not a chance that anyone would be spoilt.Compare this with the one or two kids which couples have today!
When we cut ourselves or bruised ourselves we applied dettol or iodine ourselves and I cant remember when I ever visited a doctor.If you are sick you just cover yourself with a blanket,take a panadol and sleep.At best you get an apple or some porridge.
We played football ,rugby or just ran about in the rain and come home and have a cold shower.(Hot water showers were unheard of).
Yes we were tough,brought up in a no frills environment.We learnt to be independent,and street wise from an early age.We never expected anything other than the two meals and the clothes we had which were confined to school uniforms and a couple of casual wear.We travelled mainly on foot or by bicycle and depended on ourselves.When we had problems we solved it ourselves.Life was simple but we grew up to be creative, innovative and independent and on our own all the time.
We just wonder if today's generation of children will be as tough as us and if they can cope with the demands of life today.They have not gone through any hardships being given almost everything they ask for.Can they make it on their own? Are we bringing them up the right way?
The one or two child syndrome seems to be a disadvantage as compared with the big families of yesterday.This is the price of progress as parents today face so much stress in their daily lives and the high cost of living makes it impractical to have too many children.Nevertheless we have to take a step back and see if we are today bringing up our children up the right way.Are we giving them the foundation to be independent,strong willed ,principled and above all caring individuals who can survive in this competitive world?

As time goes by

We are fortunate to watch our children growing up and bringing up their own families.As parents we have always wanted the best for our children,in terms of education,health,values and a life of their own in time to come.We are happy that our kids have found their spouses and have children of their own.Its good to see them play their roles as spouses and parents and on looking back we realize that the way they do this is quite different from the way we played ours but then times are no longer the same.
Being able to see this transformation is special and we too have to fathom how we are to play our roles as parents ,in laws ,and grandparents.The guiding principle which we always have to keep in mind is that the kids are now grown up and its no secret that they think they are smarter than us but little do they realize that we also play the smart game by being there for them always and subtly guiding them in an inoffensive way.
As one generation grows ,sadly the other slowly starts to fade away.We have lost a number of our contemporaries and its painful to see some of them staring to fade away.The ravages of time and disease are slowing taking its toll.All the hardships which we went through in our younger days bringing up a family are slowing taking its toll.Fatigue,sickness ,physical wear and tear starts to take its toll and those of us who for the time being are free from all these can only look in pain at what our contemporaries are going though knowing that our turn will come inevitably.
We have to be grateful for what we have now and try to make the best use of the time left to us.Sometimes when we talk of our grandchildren going to school or college we look hard at them and a silent tear falls as we realize how difficult it will be for us to live to see that day!But life will go on ,they will have their parents to share this with them just like our children had us to share their special moments with them.
We are proud to be able to bring up our girls as best as we could and up till today a lot of my friends still say its a wonder with our paltry salaries as govt. servants we were able to provide all our children with a university education.It was tough but mum and I are tough people and somehow we managed and today we can look back with pride and satisfaction to see our children successful and more importantly having a life of their own.